It Must Be Love
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Lofty and Dylan are in love and want to spend Christmas together. But as the day draws nearer, their insecurities come to the surface and they begin to doubt each other's love.
1. Chapter 1

_This story is a Christmas present for my lovely friend Tanith Panic. I'm not going to predict how long it will be because I know I'll get it wrong. Lofty will be called Ben in this story._

 _This story is a romance between Lofty and Dylan. I hope you'll enjoy it, but I know not everyone likes unusual pairings so don't worry if you don't._

* * *

"Christmas soon," said Ben, as he lay in Dylan's arms.

Dylan's response barely even qualified as a grunt, but Ben could hear a mixture of disapproval and a complete lack of interest.

It certainly wasn't helpful in terms of Ben's real object: trying to decide what to buy his boyfriend for Christmas. It also wasn't encouraging in terms of his secondary object: trying to work out whether Dylan had bought him anything.

Ben tried again. "What do you do for Christmas?"

"Nothing, really."

"Nothing?" said Ben.

He felt rather than heard Dylan's sigh. "I buy Dervla a present. A new collar if she needs one. Maybe some food that's slightly more expensive than usual. I might listen to the radio. But it really is just another day. Now." Dylan rolled over so he was facing Ben. "We have an hour before we get up and I suggest we use the time productively."

Ben felt disappointment wash over him. Dylan couldn't know how much he wanted to spend Christmas with him because Ben had never told him, but that hadn't stopped him from hoping that Dylan would make the suggestion himself. He just had a vision of them, cuddled together on Dylan's boat watching cheesy… no, wait. They couldn't watch cheesy films. Dylan didn't have a TV. Maybe a cheesy radio programme would work. Then they would eat a nice meal together in front of the fire… except Dylan didn't have a fire and the last thing Ben wanted was to remind him of what had happened when Dylan's last houseboat had come into contact with fire.

Actually, maybe Ben's fantasy still needed a little work.

They would eat a nice meal in front of… in front of each other and drink mulled wine and pull crackers (not that Ben could quite imagine Dylan pulling crackers) and open their presents and sing Christmas songs and eat minced pies and…

Ben stopped thinking when Dylan's lips touched his. His hands roamed over Ben's naked body.

Ben smiled.

A Christmas present from Dylan would be nice, but he doubted anything could be better than what Dylan was doing to him now.

* * *

Dylan opened his locker, his eyes drawn instantly to the small box in one corner. He'd bought it weeks ago with the intention of giving it to Ben straight away, but the more he'd thought about it, the more impossible it had seemed. Spontaneous romantic gestures just weren't Dylan. What would he say? When would he say it?

It would be far more sensible to wait until Christmas. At least then he would have a reason to buy Ben a present.

But now Christmas was almost upon them and still Dylan had said nothing.

He wasn't really sure why. Ben was the sweetest, most generous-hearted man in the world. He would more than likely love the present simply because Dylan had thought to buy it for him. It wasn't as though he'd never had the opportunity to give Ben the present: Ben had been spending more time in the houseboat than in his own home recently.

But still, Dylan held back.

It might be partly because he'd always been terrible at buying presents. Zoe had always been polite about the perfumes and scarves he'd bought her (she'd even worn them), but he'd eventually picked up on her hints (via Tess) that it might be best to buy Zoe either some chocolate or a voucher for one of her favourite shops (Tess had thoughtfully provided him with a list).

As for the presents he'd bought his dad in a desperate attempt to win his approval and love, Dylan preferred not to think about that.

But it couldn't be just that because Ben was nothing like Dylan's dad and would never ridicule him for his poor choice of present in front of his friends. Ben would never tear Dylan's carefully-made card to pieces or 'accidentally' drop his present on the floor and laugh when it smashed. Ben would never do that.

There had to be another reason and eventually, Dylan found it.

Brian hadn't just laughed at the presents he'd bought for Dylan. He hadn't bought his son anything. Dylan had received presents in his mum's handwriting with the words 'love from Dad' on it, but Brian had always made it very clear he'd never seen the present before in his life, much less chosen it himself.

That was what Dylan feared; what he had always feared.

That one day, Ben would realise that Dylan wasn't the special man he seemed to believe he was.

That one day, Ben would realise he didn't love Dylan as much as Dylan loved him.

That Dylan would give Ben a present and receive nothing in return.

* * *

Robyn was in a good mood. Considering it was nearly Christmas, Robyn's good mood was almost a given, but she did seem particularly happy today. "Lofty, guess what!" she said to Ben as he entered the living room to discover her stretching to put the red-haired fairy on the Christmas tree.

"Let me do that: you don't get a nickname like Lofty by not being tall!" said Ben.

"You got your nickname because you used to live in a loft," Robyn reminded him, but she handed the fairy to Ben and moved away. "Now guess what!"

Ben stood on tiptoes and put the fairy firmly on the tree. "Do you actually want me to guess?"

"Not if you're going to take all day about it!" said Robyn. She grabbed Ben's hands and danced him in a circle. "I gave Rita my application to have a day off on Christmas Day and she said yes!"

Ben gave her a hug. He was genuinely happy for her. Nobody really wanted to work on Christmas Day, but to Robyn it was a bit more than a holiday. Robyn embraced the spirit of Christmas with as much glee and delight as any small child and as she'd told him, it wasn't quite the same if you did it on Boxing Day instead.

"Have you handed yours in yet?" said Robyn.

"Not yet," said Ben. He'd started to fill it in last night, but then it had been time to go over to Dylan's. He'd taken the form with him, but what with one thing and another (mostly the other), he'd been too busy to finish it.

"Well, hurry up!" said Robyn. "You do want to spend Christmas Day with me, don't you?"

"Yes, of course," said Ben. Assuming Dylan wasn't going to ask Ben to spend the day with him - and Ben had to admit there was a good chance he wouldn't - there was nobody he'd rather enjoy Christmas with than Robyn.

Perhaps his enthusiasm hadn't been sufficient; Robyn looked just slightly hurt. But before Ben could reassure her, Robyn's eyes started sparkling as she got completely the wrong idea. "I knew it, Lofty! All those sneaky texts. All those nights when you didn't come home. You've got a girlfriend, haven't you?"

"No," said Ben.

Robyn's face fell. Clearly, she could tell Ben was speaking the truth. "Oh, Lofty, don't tell me you've been sleeping with randoms."

"Of course not," said Ben, slightly offended on Dylan's part. It was true that some people did feel Dylan was 'a bit random', but he wasn't random in the sense Robyn was implying at all.

Robyn looked confused. "Then what have you been doing?"

Ben hesitated. He knew he'd have to tell Robyn sooner or later. He was actually slightly amazed she hadn't figured it out already, but it probably hadn't occurred to Robyn to look for sparks of attraction between Ben and Dylan.

But he was worried. He knew Robyn wouldn't mind at all that Ben's secret lover was a man, but he had a feeling it might bother her that his secret lover was _Dylan_. Robyn tried to be kind and polite to Dylan, but she didn't understand him.

"I've actually… been spending quite a bit of time with… Dylan," said Ben, and waited to see if the penny would drop.

"Yeah, I've noticed you hanging out at work," said Robyn, an odd note creeping into her voice.

If Ben hadn't known better, he might have thought Robyn was jealous. But Robyn had gone off Ben months ago. Her romantic feelings didn't come back to the same guy twice.

Unless… Oh God… it seemed impossible, but they did say opposites attracted and all that and Dylan was, in Ben's opinion, the best-looking guy in the whole hospital by miles…

"You've got a very odd look on your face, Lofty." Robyn sounded a bit nervous now. "Has Dylan said anything about me?"

Ben wasn't sure what to say to that. If he said yes, he'd have to invent something nice Dylan had said about her, which might get her hopes up. If he said no, Robyn might feel sad. "We mostly talk about Dylan," he said at last. "About his problems. You know." And certain things about him that definitely weren't a problem, as far as the lucky man who was sleeping with was concerned.

"Oh," said Robyn. "So, has he asked you to spend Christmas with him?"

She definitely sounded jealous now.

"Not exactly," said Ben.

"But he might," said Robyn. "And because he's your mate and he's probably spend every single Christmas he's ever had on his own, you feel you can't say no."

Ben nodded awkwardly. "Something like that. But he hasn't asked me yet."

"Well, you know, if you wanted," said Robyn, "Dylan could come and spend Christmas here. He can even bring Dervla, as long as he brings doggy bags too."

Considering how much Robyn had complained about Dervla when she'd been staying with them, this was a bit concession.

 _It must be love_ , Ben thought dismally, as he smiled at Robyn and said he'd pass on the message.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tanith Panic** , I'm so glad you like it so far! Robyn prides herself on being able to sniff out any relationship, but she certainly didn't pick up on Zax or Jonnie! So I could see her failing to spot Dyfty too. Thank you for your review!

 **Georgy-Girl** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you're reading this. Although I mostly write Cal and Ethan, I do identify with Dylan a lot and I enjoy writing from his point of view. I'm really glad you like the way I do it.

* * *

"Come on, Dylan," said Zoe. "Spit it out."

Dylan looked at her with a mixture of surprise, annoyance and slight fear. "What makes you think there is something to spit out?"

Zoe smiled knowingly and patted his arm. "Because I know you, Dylan. I know you very well and although I'm used to you being quiet, you have lots of different ways of being quiet and I know pretty much all of them by now."

Dylan shrugged and hmed a bit but said nothing, though he was aware of Zoe's expectant eyes on him. "And what makes you think I'm going to tell you anything?"

"Because I might be able to help?" said Zoe. "You can't solve your problems all on your own, Dylan. You know that."

"This is hardly on the level of OCD," said Dylan.

Zoe looked relieved. "I'm pleased to hear that, but it can still help to talk to a friend sometimes. I can give you a fresh perspective which might help you to solve the problem quicker than you could on your own. A bit of team-work, Dylan. That's all this is."

Dylan considered her words. Time was certainly running out. Christmas was only a couple of days away and he was forced to admit he was no nearer to talking to Ben about it. "I've been… seeing someone," he said at last.

Zoe smiled. She looked flatteringly unsurprised. "Oh, Dylan, that's brilliant. I'm really happy for you. So, what's his name?"

" _His_ name?" It was Dylan's turn to be startled. He knew Zoe was worryingly good at knowing what he was thinking, but he hadn't expected her to get that far.

"Dylan, I've seen you," said Zoe gently. "I've seen the way you look at Lofty. And I've seen the way he looks at you. It is Lofty, isn't it?"

Dylan spent a guilty moment wondering if he should deny all knowledge of an interest in Ben, but then he remembered this was Zoe. He nodded. "Yes, it's Lofty." He always tried to call Ben 'Lofty' in public. "Does anyone else now?"

"I'm sure they don't," said Zoe. "I might be a consultant, but I still hear all the gossip and there's been nothing about you two."

"Well… Lofty and I have been seeing each other," said Dylan, rather surprised by how easy it all was. Of course, Zoe knew better than anyone that you couldn't help who you fall in love with and she was far from homophobic. Love didn't stop being love because you happened to be the same gender - or if there was a bit of a gap in your ages and employment status.

Zoe's smile was warm. "I'm so happy for you, Dylan. I've always wanted you to be happy and I was sure there was someone special out there for you."

Dylan said nothing. He couldn't deny that Ben was special, but whether he was special to Ben was another matter.

Zoe's voice was gentle. "But I'm guessing you weren't sitting there all quiet and thoughtful and worried because you were wondering if you should tell me or not. There's something else, Dylan, isn't there?"

Dylan nodded. "I want to ask Ben to spend Christmas with me."

"Are you both off work on Christmas Day?"

"I don't actually know," said Dylan. "I haven't booked Christmas Day off because… well, because it would raise comment. I haven't asked Ben because… because…" He lowered his gaze.

"Because you're worried he won't want to spend Christmas with you," said Zoe. "Spending Christmas together does seem to imply a pretty big commitment."

"Yes, it does," said Dylan, relieved she understood. "And I'm committed to Ben. Believe me, I couldn't be more committed to Ben."

"But you're not sure of his feelings and you don't want him to reject you," said Zoe.

Dylan nodded and spoke without looking at her. "I don't…. I don't know if I could… cope… if Ben left me."

Zoe put her hand on Dylan's back and rubbed it gently – and for once, Dylan was actually grateful for it. "Dylan, I do understand. Falling in love; making a commitment; taking things to another level – it's always a bit scary. It's always a bit of a gamble. You can never be quite sure what the other person is feeling."

"Then how do I find out?" said Dylan.

"By taking the leap," said Zoe. "You could wait for Ben to do it – but what if he's feeling exactly the same way as you? If you both spend the rest of your lives waiting for the other person, you might never know how happy you could be."

* * *

Ben had often imagined having fun with Dylan in one of the hospital cupboards. It was a fantasy he'd had often and continued to have now, but he'd never shared it with Dylan and he'd never believed for a moment that it might come true.

So he received a great surprise when he found himself grabbed around the waist and dragged through a door and into darkness.

It was so unlike Dylan, Ben didn't recognise the arms for a moment and was filled with a sudden terror that it might be Jack. Jack was always flirting with Ben and making suggestions of what he'd like to do with him and a cupboard had definitely featured.

But the arms that slowly turned Ben to face him were warm and familiar and so were the lips that sought his in the darkness.

Ben pressed himself close to Dylan and started to undo the buttons on his shirt (Ben wasn't overly impressed by Dylan's taste in shirts and generally removed them at the first opportunity), but then Dylan's hands caught his.

"Ben. I want to ask you something."

"Whatever it is, Dylan," said Ben, "all you've got to do is ask."

His heart was pounding with terror that Dylan was going to ask if they could see other people; if they could have a break from each other; but he could sense Dylan's nervousness and all he wanted was to ease it. So he spoke reassuringly and stroked Dylan's hands.

"Will you… will you…" Dylan's voice was soft and hesitant, but then he seemed to find a burst of courage and his voice came strongly out of the darkness. "Ben, will you spend Christmas with me?"

Ben threw his arms around Dylan's neck. Later, it occurred to him that such exuberance was probably dangerous when he couldn't see Dylan, but his body knew instinctively where Dylan's was, just as his lips found his instantly in the dark. "I'd love to, Dylan. I… I thought you'd never ask."

"Well, I thought _you'd_ never ask, and quite frankly, I was tired of waiting," said Dylan.

"I was scared you'd say no," admitted Ben. He could see now why Dylan hadn't wanted to switch the light on. It was somehow easier in the dark. But of course, many of their most intimate moments had taken place without the lights on. Perhaps an intimate conversation was no different.

"I would never say no to you, Ben." Dylan kissed him again, but only quickly. "I would like to stay here with you all day, but we have something very important to do."

Ben laughed, a carefree sound of happiness. "Yes. Our jobs!"

"No," said Dylan, much to his surprise. "We need to book Christmas Day off work."

"You're right: we'd better!" said Ben. Robyn had been nagging him on an almost hourly basis, but he hadn't done it because Christmas didn't seem nearly as important if he couldn't spend it with Dylan.

His hands were on Dylan's cheeks; he felt him nodding. "You go first and tell me if the corridor is clear. Then you can go and book the day off with Rita and I'll submit mine to Connie."

Ben nodded and felt himself shivering. He did love it when Dylan told him what to do.

But Ben liked to take control too – and so he did. "And then, at lunchtime," he said against Dylan's lips, "I'll meet you back here, Dr Keogh."

"Whatever you say, Staff Nurse Chiltern."

* * *

Ben had filled in the application and emailed it to Rita. He knew he would get another email back when she'd approved it, but he couldn't help looking hopefully at her every time he saw her. It was a busy morning and Ben doubted he'd get a chance to check his email before lunch – and at lunchtime, of course, he was expected elsewhere – but he knew there was a chance Rita would tell him his application had been successful when she saw him.

"Have you got your holiday sorted yet?" asked Robyn when she and Ben met in the corridor outside cubicles.

"Yes, I have!" sad Ben happily. "I sent it off to Rita about half an hour ago."

And he'd just seen Mrs Beauchamp go to her office, so perhaps at this very moment, she was giving Dylan permission to take the day off too. Ben knew that Connie and Zoe both planned to work on Christmas Day so Dylan probably could be spared. Ben couldn't help smiling as he thought about it.

"Brilliant!" said Robyn, and hugged him. "I can't wait! It's going to be the best Christmas ever!"

Ben was glad she was hugging him. There was no chance of her seeing the dismay and guilt he was sure would be written on his face.

Of course, Robyn had said Dylan was welcome to spend Christmas with her and Ben, but Ben knew that Dylan wasn't expecting to share Ben with anybody. He wanted to spend the day in Ben's arms, and Ben knew Dylan wasn't ready for Robyn to find out – not least because that meant the rest of the hospital would find out too.

And if Robyn had lost her heart to Dylan, the last thing she needed was to invite Dylan, fill the house with mistletoe - and receive the inevitable rejection.

The only way Ben could avoid that was by not spending Christmas with Robyn - and breaking her heart a little bit himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Poor Ben - torn between his best friend and his boyfriend. One of your questions will be answered in this chapter - but not all!

* * *

Dylan wondered if Connie would say anything.

She'd certainly sent a few interested glances his way as they worked together in Resus, but she'd said nothing. She'd also passed him twice in the corridor with what looked like the beginnings of a smile lingering on her lips, but she'd offered him no more than an offhand: "Dr Keogh."

As soon as he had a moment, he checked his email to see if his request had been approved. His hopes soared when he found an email from Connie, only to realise it was a reminder to all staff about making their annual Christmas donation to a charity the hospital were supporting. As Dylan had already made his donation (he hadn't wanted to, but Ben had talked him into it), he deleted the email and walked back towards cubicles.

Perhaps Connie hadn't read it yet. She hadn't spent that much time in her office this morning.

Dylan checked the time. Twenty minutes until his lunchbreak began; twenty minutes, or perhaps a little bit more, until he saw Ben.

"Got an urgent appointment, Dr Keogh?"

Dylan swung round to see Connie. "Er… something like that. But not till lunchtime."

"Then you'd better come to my office now," said Connie. "I wouldn't want to cut into your newfound social life."

Dylan gave her a suspicious look, but Connie, with the hint of a smile, just turned and walked towards her office. She didn't look back to see if he was following. She knew she didn't have to.

"Sit down, Dr Keogh," said Connie. She walked slowly around the desk and sat down. "I see you've made a request to take some holiday on Christmas Day. Quite a surprise."

Dylan knew no response was required. He waited tensely and tried telling himself Connie wouldn't bother calling him in just to say no – but you never could be sure what Connie would do.

"I'm sure you can appreciate that a lot of people have asked for the day off," said Connie. "And your request really does come a little bit late in the day."

The depth of Dylan's sadness surprised him. He attempted to hide it in a shrug. "I understand. Perhaps next year."

"Oh, I wouldn't have thought so," said Connie.

Dylan got to his feet. He knew he hadn't been dismissed, but he was upset and he didn't want Connie to guess.

"Having two Christmases off in a row… it's not very likely I'd agree to _that_ ," said Connie.

"Two Christmases?" Dylan sat down again.

"Yes, if you take the day off this Christmas and next Christmas, I think that adds up to two Christmases, don't you?" said Connie.

"Look, have I got the day off or not?" Then Dylan remembered who he was speaking to. "I don't mean to be rude, but I really do need to-"

Connie held up her hand. "I think Dr Hanna and I can manage without you on Christmas Day. Your request is granted, Dr Keogh."

Dylan stared at her, not quite understanding at first, but when he saw the amused smile on her face, the full meaning sunk in. "Thank you, Connie. I appreciate it. I really do."

Connie dismissed him with a nod. Dylan stood up, smiled awkwardly, and went towards the door.

"Dr Keogh!" said Connie.

Dylan turned a bit nervously. You never could tell with Connie. She might be about to wish him an (early) merry Christmas – or she might be about to tell him his flies were undone. (It had happened once. It was Ben's fault.)

Connie smiled. "I hope you and Staff Nurse Chiltern have a lovely time."

* * *

Ben couldn't stand it any longer. He bounded up to Rita. "Have you seen it?"

"I don't know," said Rita kindly. "Why don't you tell me what you mean, and then I'll tell you if I've seen it?"

Ben gave a slightly shamefaced smile. There were times when Rita was far too good at mind-reading, but he couldn't blame her for not being able to do it every time. "I was just wondering if you got my holiday request form."

Rita touched his arm. "Sorry, Lofty."

Ben's heart sank.

"I haven't had a chance to check my emails today," said Rita. "We're run off our feet if you hadn't noticed! I'll get to it as soon as I can. I promise."

* * *

Louise looked at Robyn, an amused look on her face. "I've never seen anyone smile while cleaning up bodily fluids before. Especially as it's not even our job!"

"I wouldn't normally," said Robyn. "But it's Christmas! And I'm hoping to make a very special someone very happy!"

"Even if all my Christmases came at once, you wouldn't catch me doing that," said Louise.

Robyn just smiled. She wasn't going to let anyone's bad mood affect her. Not today.

"So, who's the special someone?" said Louise. "It's not..."

"Yep!" said Robyn. "I've got everything sorted."

"Well, I hope it works out for you, babe," said Louise.

Robyn smiled happily as the gathered up the clinical waste. "Well, I've managed to get Christmas Day off, which is the first thing. After that... watch this space! What are you doing for Christmas? Are you working?"

"Yeah, I applied for the day off too, but I didn't get it," said Louise. "Rita said I'd left it too late."

Robyn looked at her, confused. "When did you send your form off?"

"Last week," said Louise.

"But I only sent mine in yesterday!" said Robyn.

Louise shrugged. "Someone must have changed their mind then. Or maybe I just haven't been working here long enough." She turned away and started looking at something on the computer.

Robyn stood watching her, fighting with herself. She told herself it was _her_ holiday and she'd earned it. She told herself Louise hadn't been working here that long so Robyn probably was more entitled to it. She told herself Rita would be really cross if they started switching their holidays around.

But Louise had asked first...

"Louise?" said Robyn. "If it's really that important to you, maybe…"

Louise turned round, a look of shock on her face. "Robyn, thanks so much. Really. That's really generous of you."

 _Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut?_ Robyn thought dismally.

"But I couldn't let you!" said Louise. "It's so sweet of you, babe, but it's your holiday and you shouldn't give it up for anyone." She smiled. "Besides, I did manage to get the day off for Boxing Day and my whole family's switched Christmas just for me. I never thought they'd do something like that. I've managed to offend so many of them, I thought they'd be glad to be shot of me. But it's Christmas, I suppose!"

"Yes, it is Christmas," said Robyn happily. "And it's going to be a good one. I've just got a feeling."


	4. Chapter 4

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. It did seem quite late to be putting in holiday application - though I don't think it says when Robyn and Lofty putting their requests. I'm glad you're enjoying it - I'd like a happy ending for Robyn. But whether I'll write one...

* * *

Dylan walked stealthily down the corridor towards the cupboard. He was already starting to think of it as _their_ cupboard. His and Ben's. They'd never been in the cupboard together before today, but Dylan was hoping it might become a regular occurrence. It was close enough to the main part of the ED for them to be able to go there without arousing comment, but not so close that anyone was likely to see them go in.

A couple of nurses appeared up ahead of him. They were chattering away about some TV programme set in a hospital which was nothing like the real thing, but they stopped when they saw Dylan and gave him a funny look.

Dylan tried not to feel hurt. He was used to it, after all. He'd been getting funny looks all his life.

But it was no use. He was hurt.

After that little incident, the cupboard no longer seemed like an exciting adventure, but the way he was feeling now, what he needed more than anything was to be held in Ben's arms.

Dylan checked the corridor was empty before opening the door and going inside. "Hello, Ben."

There was a shocked silence, then a disappointed voice. "How did you know I was here? Could you see me in the light from the corridor?"

"No, I could smell you," said Dylan. He put his arms around Ben. "It was a very nice smell. Unlike first thing this morning."

"I told you, Dylan: that was Dervla, not me!"

Dylan let go of him. "I should kick you out of here for daring to cast aspersions on my dog. Instead, I'll just give you the bad news."

He could picture Ben's face falling; the sad look in those beautiful eyes. "Mrs Beauchamp said no?"

"Mrs Beauchamp said _yes_ ," said Dylan. "The bad news is that she's somehow guessed who I'm spending Christmas with. Oh, and so has Zoe. You didn't tell Robyn about us, did you?"

"No, of course not!" said Ben. "I haven't told anybody." He paused. "I would like to though. I'm proud to be with you and if you were happy with it, I'd want the whole ED to know."

Dylan thought about it for a moment but shook his head decisively. Then he added a firm: "No," on the grounds that it was dark and Ben wouldn't be able to see what his head was doing. "Our relationship is our private business and there's no need for everyone to know." _At least not until I'm sure you really love me and you won't be off as soon as you meet someone better. Like Jack on reception… I've heard you singing Christmas carols in harmony. He's not as good as you, but he is better than me._

Ben kissed him sweetly. "That's fine if that's how you feel. I really don't think most people would bat an eyelid… well, apart from me batting mine at you… but there's no need to tell everyone. If Zoe and Max can keep it quiet, why can't we?" He gave Dylan a hug. "And we get to spend Christmas together!"

Dylan's spirits rose even more. And not just his spirits. "Rita said yes?"

"Well, she hasn't said yes yet," said Ben. "But I'm pretty hopeful. I know Robyn and Jacob have got the day off, but Louise is working; Charlie's working; Tash was going to have the day off, but she changed it because her partner's working on Christmas Day… I think there's a good chance. I've just got to wait for Rita to confirm it."

Dylan caught Ben's head in his hands, running his fingers through the curls. "This is just a thought. But I have had an idea for what we can do while you're waiting."

"I think you should show me exactly what you mean," said Ben.

* * *

Fifty minutes later, Dylan and Ben switched the light on and looked at one another.

"You don't look terribly tidy…" said Dylan.

"I think I've torn your shirt," said Ben.

"And I'm sure it wasn't an accident," countered Dylan.

Ben could see he was slightly annoyed. "It was an accident, but I'm sorry. Have you got another one you can change into?"

"Yes… your favourite," said Dylan, and Ben groaned. "I keep it here for just such an occasion." He went towards the door and switched the light off. "I'll go first. You wait a couple of minutes, then follow me. It might be as well if we go to different bathrooms."

Ben had to admit he was slightly disappointed, but sharing a bathroom with a topless Dylan was never a good way of staying tidy. "You should probably go to the nearer ones. I don't think anyone would be too shocked if they saw I'd been ravished, but it's probably not the kind of thing they expect from you."

"Okay," agreed Dylan. He gave Ben another kiss, then opened the door and left. Almost immediately, he heard Dylan's voice again. "Connie. Hello. I was just…"

"I can guess what you were doing. Your flies are undone," said Connie.

Ben cringed for the embarrassment he knew Dylan would be feeling. All he wanted was to run out of the cupboard and hug Dylan tight. He reluctantly decided he'd better not. He listened for the sound of Dylan's footsteps walking away.

Someone rapped on the cupboard door. "Don't forget, your shift starts in ten minutes, Ben," said Connie. "Now, please come out as soon as you're decent. I want to show Jacob something in there and it's not the kind of thing that would interest you."

"I've got something that might interest him, though," said Jacob.

Ben made a rather embarrassed exit just in time to see Connie hit Jacob.

"Hey! Connie, that hurt!" said Jacob. "But don't worry. I can get my revenge. I know how to make you scream."

Ben hurried away down the corridor, wishing his hair was even thicker so he couldn't hear what Connie and Jacob were saying.

"You make me scream in here and I'll have you in my office!" hissed Connie.

Jacob chuckled. "I'll look forward to it."

* * *

"I don't think I can think of anything I'd really hate to get for Christmas," said Louise. "I'm pretty flexible, me. There aren't many things I'm not happy with."

Robyn kept a straight face with an effort

"But I suppose socks are a bit rubbish," said Louise. "And gloves. And tea cosies. Seriously, Robyn. If you ever get me a tea cosy, I will have to unfollow you."

"Don't tempt me!" said Robyn lightly, as she knocked 'tea cosy' off her mental list of 'Things I could buy Louise for Christmas'.

"And vouchers for shops I wouldn't be seen dead in," said Louise, "though last year my cousin gave me a Primark voucher so I used it to buy her something from Primark for her birthday (obviously, I did use the online store: I didn't actually go inside the shop) and she really liked it. Though she did keep inviting me out shopping with her after that."

Robyn smiled. "I really think I've honestly loved everything I've ever been given for Christmas. Except for that time I had a boyfriend who gave me some condoms. I think it was supposed to be a hint."

"What did you give him?" said Louise. "His marching orders?"

"I did, actually!" said Robyn. She looked over Louise's shoulder. "Hey, Lofty, have you heard about your holiday yet?"

"I was just going to check now," said Ben.

Robyn went and stood next to him, peering around his arm at the screen.

"Stop looking at my password!" said Ben, smiling, as he pretended to push her out of the way.

"I wasn't," said Robyn. "I already know it. You told me last week when we were drunk."

Ben turned to look at her in horror. He had far too many emails from Dylan to feel happy about Robyn getting into his email account.

Robyn laughed and shoved him playfully. "Oh, don't worry. You didn't actually tell me the _right_ password. What have you got to hide, anyway?"

"Nothing," said Ben distractedly.

"There, you got it!" said Robyn triumphantly as she spotted an email from Rita in Ben's inbox. "Open it; open it!"

Ben opened the email.

* * *

Dylan ran across the boat and wrestled the plate from Ben's hand. "Ben, what are you doing?"

"I was giving Dervla some food like you said," said Ben.

"Ben, that was my dinner! _Our_ dinner!" Dylan looked down at the plate. To his horror, there were no sausages left. He must have tipped them onto the floor when he was taking the plate from Ben. He looked over at Dervla, just in time to see her eating what seemed to be the last one. "Now look what you made me do!"

Ben looked adorably helpless. "I'm sorry, Dylan. I thought they were for Dervla."

Dylan hardened his heart to the adorable helplessness. "For once, Ben, can't you just use your brain? Maybe you should cut off that mop of yours. Maybe then a sensible thought might get out once in a while."

"I thought you loved my hair," said Ben.

Dylan sighed impatiently. He did love Ben's hair, but that wasn't the point. Even the fact Ben had given their dinner to Dervla wasn't really the point. "Though what should I expect when you can't book a simple day off work?"

Ben's eyes flashed. "I tried my best, Dylan."

"But leaving it to the last minute: what did you expect?" said Dylan.

"I didn't leave it any later than you did," said Ben mildly. "You were just lucky that Mrs Beauchamp and Zoe didn't want to spend Christmas Day alone. If Zoe was still with Max, or if Connie's daughter was coming for Christmas, there's no way you would have got the day off."

Dylan slammed the plate down on the counter. "So, it's my fault, is it? Just because I didn't happen to mention what was perfectly obvious, you assumed I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with you and you didn't book the day off."

"No, Dylan, I'm not saying it's your fault," said Ben. He held out his arms. "Come here."

Dylan turned away. "You'll be lucky if I come anywhere tonight."

Ben's arms dropped to his side. "Dylan, I tried my best. I'm really sorry. If I could go back in time and book it earlier, you know I would."

"Oh, that makes it all better!" snapped Dylan.

Ben took another step towards Dylan. He held out his arms again. He felt one of them brush against the kitchen counter, but he didn't worry about it. Not until Dylan's plate crashed to the floor. "Dylan… I'm so sorry…"

"Oh, just get out of here, you clumsy idiot!" shouted Dylan. "Go on. Go home!"

Ben stood for a moment in shock. Then he picked up his coat and bag and left the boat.

Dylan sank to the floor in misery, looking at the broken pieces of plate. He knew it was his fault. He was the one who'd put the plate on the edge of the counter and Ben was usually only clumsy when he was nervous or intimidated.

Dervla trotted over and licked his hand, but not even that made Dylan feel better.


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm sorry for abandoning this! But I've written two new chapters so I should be able to update tomorrow as well._

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm afraid your two favourite men aren't okay just yet, but I'm hoping they will be by the end of the story! I'm glad you were okay with Connie walloping Jacob. It would never happen the other way round. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ben tried dialling Dylan's number, but there was no answer. He wrote text messages and didn't send them. He planned everything he wanted to say in a voice mail, but when he tried to speak, no words came out.

When he awoke to find his arms empty in a bed that was his own rather than Dylan's, he at first felt only surprise. But then the memories came crashing back down upon him and he again saw the look of anger on Dylan's face as he told Ben to get out.

Ben didn't want anyone to know how upset he was, but he had a feeling he wasn't going to do a very good job of hiding it. How could anyone hide it when they were feeling like this? How could he get through the day? He knew that Dylan wouldn't ask him to help, as he so often did – so often, in fact, that Ben was amazed nobody had guessed their feelings – but they couldn't avoid each other entirely.

At least tomorrow, Dylan had the day off so Ben wouldn't have to see him. He would fill his days with work and perhaps he'd be able to get through it. Dylan didn't need him, but the patients would.

But he had to get through today first and Ben knew that no matter how many emergencies happened on Christmas Day, he would be thinking of Dylan at almost every minute.

Dylan and Dervla, all alone on Christmas Day…

Ben could only hope Dylan's anger would prevent him from feeling as miserable as Ben.

* * *

Dylan didn't want to get out of bed.

He hadn't felt like this for a long time. At least, not when he was _alone_ in bed.

All he wanted was to go back to sleep and stop hearing the echoes of what had happened last night. The shock on Ben's face as his heart shattered along with Dylan's plate. The feeling inside Dylan's heart as Ben had left him.

He turned over onto his side, onto what was so much Ben's side of the bed, Dylan never slept in the centre of the bed anymore, not even when he was alone.

Ben's side of the bed was cold. The sheets were smooth.

Dylan rolled onto his back again, not wanting to feel and see the evidence of Ben's absence, but it didn't help. He knew Ben wasn't there. He would be able to feel Ben's presence if he was beside him. He would be able to _smell_ Ben.

But he couldn't.

He knew that lying in bed wasn't helping. Not when it was reminding him that Ben wasn't there. But Dylan didn't want to go to work and see him.

He also wanted to see him more than anything.

He heard a whine from the door and Dervla jumped into bed with him. She pawed him questioningly, then lay down beside him. Dylan stroked her head and his eyes stung.

He still had Dervla. Dervla was all he'd needed before he'd found Ben.

Maybe it was better this way.

Maybe relationships just weren't worth it.

* * *

Ben's door crashed open and he heard Robyn's voice. "Merry Christmas!"

 _Oh, shut up_ , thought Ben, and put his pillow over his head. He didn't need this. Not now.

"Lofty!" Robyn came over and poked him. Ben knew she was probably the gentlest nurse in the hospital, but you wouldn't think it when she was trying to get you out of bed in the morning. "Rise and shine!"

Ben kept his face hidden because Dylan had said that to him once. Ben had pretended to misunderstand and had said he'd already risen and he was prepared to shine whenever Dylan was ready for him. Dylan hadn't understood what he meant at first – he could be so innocent sometimes – but once Ben had pulled the bedclothes away to show exactly which part of him had risen, Dylan had done some rising and shining too.

But now, he might never rise and shine for Ben again.

"Lofty, what's wrong with you!" said Robyn, pulling at the bedclothes.

Ben knew he'd have to put a stop to this. "Robyn, you do realise I haven't got any clothes on?" It wasn't true, but it would probably get rid of her.

Robyn gave a screech and let go of the bedclothes. "Sorry, Ben. I didn't know… I wasn't trying to… I know you're not…" She scuttled out of the room.

Ben closed his eyes and wondered if perhaps it wasn't Dylan Robyn was interested in after all.

As if the day wasn't a disaster already.

* * *

Dylan knew it might be considered a good sign that he felt awkward. It was a sign he was back to his old self.

Before his OCD had become so pronounced, he'd hated phoning in sick. It was embarrassing. It was personal. It showed that he had weaknesses and that wasn't something Dylan Keogh ever wanted to admit to.

Then, when things had got… bad… he'd been phoning in sick every day. It hadn't been so difficult after the first couple of times. Everyone knew he was weak. They'd seen him leave the ED covered in blood. Given the choice between making a phone call and going back, there had been only one thing he could do.

When he had finally gone back to the hospital, it had been very difficult, but he'd managed it. Those days seemed like quite a long time ago now, though every so often, it would hit him that he wasn't completely cured. Perhaps he never would be. Bay 4 remained his least favourite bay and there were still days when he needed to use his checklists. Not very often, though, because he'd found the need wasn't so great when he had Ben at his side. He knew that Ben would tell him if he'd forgotten something.

So far, Ben had never had to do that. He'd comforted Dylan a few times when he'd been struggling, like on the day when Dervla had been ill, but Dylan had never forgotten anything when Ben was with him.

Now, he was phoning in sick for the first time for a few months, and it had gone back from being acceptable to humiliating.

But he had to do it. He couldn't see Ben. Not today.

"Hi, Dylan. You okay?" said Zoe.

The answer to that was easy. No. But Dylan didn't want to say it. "I was wondering if you could tell Connie I'm taking the day off."

"Why, what's wrong?" said Zoe.

"I'm… I'm not feeling… my best."

Zoe's voice was sympathetic. "Did something happen with Lofty?"

Dylan sighed. That was the problem with having friends. They knew you too well.

"I heard he didn't get Christmas off," said Zoe.

"What does that have to do with anything?" said Dylan.

"A lot, as far as I can tell," said Zoe.

Dylan sighed again. "He smashed my plate. I told him to get out. He went."

"You need to talk to him," said Zoe.

"Yes, because you had such a good conversation with M-" Dylan broke off. There was no need for that. It wasn't Zoe's fault Ben had left him. "I just don't think I can see him today."

"I know you don't," said Zoe. "I know what it's like, working with the person you love and knowing that at any moment, you might see them. Then you do see them and, just for a moment, you think that everything's as it used to be. Then your eyes meet and it's not the same anymore. No shared laughter. No shared secrets. Just two people whose eyes happen to meet."

"Zoe, I… I didn't mean…"

"I know you didn't," said Zoe. "I'm just saying I know how you feel. It's horrible, though it does get easier. We are sort of friends now. You'd think it would hurt more being friends, but I'm grateful just to have anything at all." She laughed. "Sorry. That sounds pathetic – and we're not talking about me."

"It's just one day, Zoe," said Dylan.

"Dylan, you know as well as I do that one day becomes one more day and then one more day after that," said Zoe. "Going back after something like this is one of the most difficult things in the world – but having days off doesn't make it easier. It doesn't change that first moment when you go back in. If you really can't go in today, I'll tell Connie you're ill, but I really think the best thing you can do is go back to work."

Dylan's heart sank, but he wasn't surprised. Perhaps this was even why he'd phoned Zoe, rather than Connie. So she could talk him into what he knew was right.

"Besides," said Zoe, "it's only a broken plate. Plenty of relationships have survived worse than that. I'm sure your relationship with Lofty will. He's probably feeling just as bad as you are, but the one thing that is guaranteed to make him feel worse is going into work and seeing you're not there and thinking it's his fault."

Dylan didn't want Ben blaming himself. He thought it was more likely that Ben was glad to be shot of him, but even if he was, he might feel guilty if Dylan was too upset to come to work. No matter what he thought of Dylan, Ben was a lovely man. He always would be. "Okay. I'll go."

"If it gets tough, you can always call me," said Zoe.

Dylan's heart sank further. "You're not working today?"

"No, I'm not," said Zoe. "So I'll never be too busy for a chat."


	6. Chapter 6

**Tanith Panic** , can you imagine Max's face if Dylan got together with Zoe? I won't ask you to imagine Lofty's face. It would be too sad. But I'm so happy you like the way I write Dylan and Zoe's friendship. They're very different, but it works for them. I'm afraid Robyn has other things in her mind in this chapter, but she hasn't forgotten and neither have I. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"Merry Christmas!" shouted a voice Ben recognised as Jacob's.

 _For you, it might be,_ thought Ben. _But not for me…_

"Merry Christmas," said Rita, with more politeness than interest.

There was a pause and Ben knew without looking that Jacob's eyes had zeroed in on him.

"You look down, Lofty. I thought you'd be a Christmas person."

Ben realised he'd been hiding his feelings with even less success than he'd thought. "No, I am!" he said with an attempt at brightness. "I love Christmas. It's my favourite day of the year. Choc for breakfast… pyjamas all day… what's not to love?"

Not that he'd have been wearing pyjamas – or anything else - if his Christmas had gone as planned.

Jacob smiled, clearly amused. "So?"

"He's working," said Rita. That was how Ben had explained his unhappy face to her – and she'd instantly accepted it. That had surprised Ben a little as Rita usually knew exactly what he was thinking, but she was very busy today.

"Ah." Jacob nodded sympathetically.

"Well, some of us have to," said Rita. "I am as well."

Robyn walked in with a smug smile on her face. Ben turned away. She'd been wearing that smile all morning. On the positive side, she'd been too happy about her day off tomorrow to notice that Ben's heart was breaking, but that didn't make her smile any less annoying.

"Robyn!" Jacob pointed at her. "Now tell me you've got the Christmas vibe."

"Are you kidding me?" said Robyn. "It's twelve hours till Christmas. I'm doing everything I can to stop myself from grinning!"

Ben heard her voice rise with excitement and stared down at the table. He'd once fantasised of laying Dylan across that table, but Dylan was quite conventional when it came to sex. Bed, shower, sofa, floor – perfectly acceptable. Table – no.

And now, Ben would never have the chance to change his mind.

He could tell Jacob wasn't even trying to stop himself from grinning. "Let it out, girl! Let it out!"

Robyn screwed up her eyes and lifted up her voice. "IT'S CHRIIIIIIIIIST MAAAAAAS!"

Ben winced. He was already heartbroken and alone. He didn't need his eardrums shattered as well.

Though as he was working, at least he wouldn't have to put up with Robyn all day.

Rita lifted her head and spoke almost casually. "You're on shift tomorrow."

"Nope!" said Robyn smugly. "I've got _Wizard of Oz_ in the morning; then all the _Toy Stories_ ; then I'm saving the best till last: _Elf_." She opened her eyes wide and adopted an American accent. "Santa!"

"You are, Robyn. You're working," said Rita.

Robyn shook her head. "Nooo."

"Yes," said Rita.

Robyn finally started to look worried. "No. I put a holiday form in."

"You did," said Rita, turning over a page in her file.

"And you approved it," said Robyn.

"I did, and I thought it was weird," said Rita. She extracted a piece of paper from her file and pushed it across the table to Robyn. "Because it's for next Christmas."

Robyn looked down at the piece of paper as though she was terrified it wasn't a joke. Her eyes and mouth opened in horror as she realised what she'd done.

Despite himself, Ben smiled. He didn't want Robyn to be unhappy, but her face was a picture. And if he couldn't spend Christmas on the houseboat with Dylan, there were much worse things he could do than spend the day at the hospital with Robyn and Rita. Smug Robyn might be annoying, but non-smug Robyn was one of his best friends.

The only _Elf_ Robyn would be seeing this Christmas was the National Elf. Which Ethan had mentioned more than once recently.

Robyn moaned and let her head fall onto the table. Behind Ben, Jacob chuckled.

Ben reached across the table and patted her arm. "Now both our Christmasses have been ruined."

"Yeah: we can commiserate together," said Robyn. She gave him a brave smile, then she leaned closer to him. "Lofty, are you okay? I mean, I know you're working and everything, but you do seem quite upset."

It was Ben's turn to try a brave smile. "I'm not the one who just banged my head on the table."

"I didn't bang it," said Robyn. "And it's a good thing I didn't after the mess you made dressing that head injury this morning."

Ben was usually good at dressing head injuries, but everything had become more difficult when he'd seen Dylan through the gap in the curtains. If he'd just walked past, Ben might have been all right, but he'd stood there, his back to Ben. Ben usually liked seeing Dylan from the back, especially the way his trousers hugged his cute little… (no, Ben: no thinking about _that_ in front of Robyn) , but it was a bit different knowing he wouldn't get to see it and touch it and… (again, censored due to the presence of Robyn). "Everyone has off-days, Robyn."

"Don't I know it," groaned Robyn. "I'm having an off-day tomorrow. It's the opposite of a day off."

* * *

Dylan couldn't bear the sad look on Ben's face; the way he mumbled his reply whenever someone wished him a merry Christmas. It just wasn't like him and the fact Dylan was to blame made it even worse.

Yes, he was very disappointed that he wasn't going to spend Christmas with Ben. Yes, it was very annoying when Ben broke things, though on this occasion it had been Dylan's fault.

But his reaction had been unreasonable and cruel. Ben hadn't deserved any of it. And now he was walking around the hospital as though his dog was dying – and Dylan meant that literally. Dylan had looked a lot like Ben when his first dog had died. He knew it would be even worse with Dervla.

 _I've got to talk to him_ , thought Dylan, and walked purposefully up to them, only to discover Robyn was standing six inches away from him and there was no way Dylan could even begin to say anything of what was on his mind.

"Are you having second thoughts about the band six promotion?" he said instead, and despite everything he was glad he'd asked because Ben hadn't been talking about it as much as when he'd first decided to apply for the job. It was just one of the many things he'd planned on speaking to Ben about tomorrow.

One of the few things he still had a reason to say to Ben now.

"That's it. You've hit the nail on the head," sighed Ben.

Dylan wasn't sure if there was any sarcasm in there or not, but he couldn't ask. Not at work. Not when Robyn was right there. "Well, don't worry. That's a good thing," he said, meaning that it was a sign that Ben cared about his job, but before he could elaborate (if he wanted to elaborate: even standing next to Ben was making his heart feel that little more broken), Robyn interrupted.

"No! It's because we're working CHRISTMAS!" Robyn made a face, gripped her file as though it were the unfortunate person who'd denied her the holiday, and stormed off.

"Well… me too," offered Dylan. There was no point in using his day off if Ben was going to be here. He paused, looking into Ben's miserable face, and took the chance. "We can be miserable together?"

It was as much as he could say in the middle of a crowded hospital, but he hoped Ben would understand what he was really saying. _I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. It was stupid and unforgiveable ._

 _If you don't take me back, Ben, we will be miserable together and don't tell me you're not miserable because I_ know _you._

 _But if you do take me back, I'm going to be right here working beside you and I'm going to make time for you, no matter how busy we are, and I'm going to make up for all the stupid things I said last night because I love you, Ben!_

Ben stepped away from reception, arms folded, a sad look on his face.

 _Say something, Dylan! Don't let him walk away._

"I loathe Christmas," said Dylan – and he loathed it even more now it had come between him and Ben. "You know, my first dog, Mabel – lovely old thing: deaf as a post – she ate ten bars of chocolate: died Christmas Day."

He looked meaningfully at Ben. _Can't you see what I'm really saying? I hate Christmas because of Mabel, but I was willing to make a change this year. I want Christmas to be special again. I want_ you _to make it special._

"Brilliant. Thanks for that," said Ben.

Dylan realised he might have given the impression that spending Christmas with Ben was a way of getting over his first dog. That hadn't been it at all… but he couldn't tell Ben that.

All he could do was keep talking. Keep showing he wanted to talk to him. Keep showing that the last thing he'd wanted was for Ben to be sad.

Robyn might say he was sad because he wasn't working, but Dylan knew it was more than that. Ben wouldn't get so depressed just because he had to work. Someone had hurt him. And Dylan knew exactly who that was.

He wanted to hug him. He wanted to hug him so tightly and never let go.

But he couldn't.

Dylan stretched out a hand to him. He had to touch him. He had to let Ben know that he wanted him in his life.

He patted Ben on the shoulder. It was surprisingly easy, the physical contact. The difficult part was taking his hand away. "Tell you what. Why don't you join me for _my_ Christmas tradition?"

He walked away from the reception desk, aware that Ben was trailing behind him. "Hiding all the batteries?"

A joke. Not a particularly funny joke, but it gave Dylan a tiny bit of hope.

Unless, of course, Ben was just being polite because an aspiring band six nurse couldn't go around being rude to the consultants.

"Spoiling the punchlines of the Christmas cracker jokes?" Ben's voice was entirely without enthusiasm.

 _He doesn't want to spend Christmas with me. He doesn't want_ me _._

"No. Don't be facetious," said Dylan, and turned quickly away before the look on Ben's face caused him any more pain. "You'll enjoy it."

Not even that made Ben smile.

When Dylan told Ben he was going to enjoy something, Ben always smiled. Because Dylan was always right.

But not today. Not now Dylan had messed it up.

Not now he wasn't sure things would ever be right again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Tanith Panic** , I would like to give Rita the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't realise what was odd about Robyn's holiday request until it was too late, but she could have done a better job of breaking the news! It was very sad about Mabel and it explains why Dylan was so worried about Dervla being fed chocolate when she was missing. Thank you for your review.

 **LudoJudo** , thank you for your reviews - it's so lovely to have another reader and I'm so happy you're enjoying it. I like it when Connie is funny, but it doesn't happen often! I'd forgotten about the cheese sandwich and fizzy drink - I wonder if I can work it into this chapter before I post it. Thank you for reminding me!

* * *

Robyn stormed into the staff room and wasn't sure if she was relieved it was empty or not. She kicked one of the lockers; kicked a stool for good measure; then she went and kicked the sofa.

It didn't help. It just made her feel guilty. _Because, you know: maybe lockers, stools and sofas do have feelings._ _Just because we've never heard them talk, it doesn't mean they can't._

Robyn wished they would talk. Because maybe then, they would be magic and they'd let her make a wish so she could change the rota. Oh, and make all her Christmas romantic dreams come true.

The fact they could still come true at work was no consolation. It wouldn't be the same at work. You couldn't fill work with mistletoe, hearts and flowers.

"It's not FAAAAAAIIIIIRRRRRRR!" shouted Robyn as she walked over to the table and slapped it hard, but even that didn't relieve her feelings very much, though it did hurt her hands.

"What isn't fair?" said Louise.

"I'm working CHRISTMAS!" said Robyn, slightly surprised Louise didn't know. She'd mentioned it enough times.

"So am I," said Louise. "So's everyone who knows how to have fun. Me, Lofty…"

"…Mrs Beauchamp?" said Robyn.

Louise laughed. "I don't think we should let Mrs Beauchamp stop us from enjoying Christmas."

"But I had it all arranged!" wailed Robyn. "My perfect romantic Christmas dream."

Louise came closer, a curious look on her face. "Why are you working Christmas anyway? I thought you said you put your form in."

"I did put my form in!" said Robyn. "But I did it for next Christmas, didn't I?"

"And Rita accepted it anyway?" Louise looked disgusted. "What's wrong with her? Has Iain gone off her or something? Any decent person would have guessed it was a mistake and sorted it out."

Robyn sighed. "She probably didn't realise straight away. She could tell there was something odd about it, but she didn't try to work out what: she just accepted it. And now, all my romantic plans are ruined. RUINED!"

"You do know there are more important things than romance, right?" said Louise. "I mean, we get along all right without it."

"You might get along all right without it," said Robyn sadly. "But Christmas won't be Christmas without romance for me."

* * *

Dylan stopped outside Connie's door and peered through the glass partition. She was there and she looked busy, but if Dylan wanted to wait for a time when she wasn't busy, he'd probably have to wait for her retirement.

He tapped lightly on the door and waited, hoping this wouldn't take too long. He wanted to get back to Ben before he found another doctor to work with. It was difficult when Ben kept rejecting him – or perhaps not so much rejecting him as ensuring that they never had the chance to speak freely – but Dylan wasn't giving up.

He wanted to believe the reason why he didn't want to give up was because he was strong and determined and in control, but he had a feeling it might be more to do with the fact that he couldn't bear to believe it was over.

They'd been so happy together. Happiness couldn't die completely just because of one argument. Admittedly, Dylan hadn't been very kind, but he'd heard a lot worse from some of his patients. They were always screaming at each other and breaking up and getting engaged. In Resus; in cubicles; everywhere. Anyone would think they were in a soap opera.

If Dylan ever decided to propose to Ben, which was looking increasingly unlikely considering their current situation, he would not be proposing in the hospital.

No.

It hadn't even crossed his mind.

Not for one moment.

Certainly not.

"Come in!" called Connie from inside her office. He went in and Connie lifted her eyes from her work just long enough to give Dylan an impatient glance. "What is it, Dr Keogh?"

"I'm just letting you know that I will be available to work on Christmas Day after all," said Dylan, trying to keep his voice calm and emotionless.

"We have a full complement of staff for Christmas Day," said Connie dismissively, her eyes on whatever she was doing.

"No. No, I would like to work," said Dylan.

"We don't need you," said Connie. "So go home, enjoy your Christmas, and for God's sake, sort it out with Lofty."

Dylan looked at Connie, wondering if she was psychic or if she actually listened to gossip. He thought the first was more likely. "That's what I'm trying to do. Ben's working on Christmas Day."

Connie smiled sweetly. "We'll just have to see about that, won't we? Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy."

* * *

"A lot of people use a 4.0," said Dylan, who was for some reason explaining suturing to Ben. "I prefer a 5.0. It's finer. There's less scarring."

Ben said nothing. There was no reason why Dylan shouldn't use a 5.0 instead of a 4.0. They were almost the same, except that a 5.0 was smaller, and both were used for skin closure. But Ben knew the real difference between them. It was all to do with the number.

He wanted to tell Dylan that using a 4.0 would be fine and he could do it, but he couldn't. In the first place, there was a patient present and Ben knew Dylan didn't like his problems to be discussed in front of the patients – which was understandable. In the second place, Ben had no right to support him anymore.

Dylan kept on talking to him; requesting to work with him; behaving as though they were friends, but Ben didn't want to be friends. He loved Dylan, but Dylan had hurt him and he needed a bit more than Dylan behaving as though nothing had happened. Or as though what had happened didn't matter.

"You need to make sure that each stitch is _exactly_ the same distance apart," said Dylan. "You'll need to practise, obviously. If you want to be Band Six, you'll need to practise."

He sounded so impersonal. When they'd been together, that hadn't bothered Ben because he knew Dylan cared about him and he'd become adept at recognising his emotions, even when he showed none.

But now, Ben couldn't be sure of anything at all. Even if he was sure, forgiving wasn't that simple. It was one thing to show you still cared – if that was what Dylan was doing. It was another to realise you'd done wrong and be sorry for it.

"Well… Band Six is about managerial skills," said Ben. Trying not to sound defensive, he added: "And there's nothing wrong with my suturing."

"Well, your suturing is, um, well… a bit like your hair, isn't it?" said Dylan. "Could be neater."

Ben frowned. Dylan loved his hair. Or at least, he used to. He'd loved running his fingers through it and making it messier. When they'd been together, a mention of his hair had been a method of flirtation between them. Even the most disparaging comment was a compliment because it showed Dylan had looked at his hair and cared enough to comment on it.

But it wasn't good enough.

Ben wished he could forgive him. Perhaps he was wrong not to. Maybe it really was a tiny thing that nobody else would get upset about.

But he couldn't and it hurt him that Dylan could carry on as though it hadn't happened. Ben was trying his best to appear normal too so he wouldn't worry anyone, but he already knew he hadn't succeeded. Everyone had noticed how miserable Ben was, but Dylan seemed much as normal.

Ben lifted a gloved hand and started fingering the curly strands. He didn't think it was any messier than usual.

He saw Dylan's heard turn slightly, then he sighed. "You need to change your gloves."

He didn't say that Band Six nurses never needed to change their gloves because they never played with their hair, but Ben couldn't help wondering if Dylan was thinking it.

* * *

"Is this the worst Christmas ever?" said Robyn.

"It's the worst Christmas ever," agreed Ben.

"I mean, I know we've got to work sometimes," said Robyn. "I get that. But it's the way they got our hopes up."

Ben had always known that getting Christmas off was a long shot, but he found himself nodding anyway.

They set their coffees down on the staffroom table and sat with miserable faces, their chins propped up on their hands.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

"The bells were ringing out for Christmas Day!" sang Jacob as he walked into the staff room.

Ben and Robyn said nothing. They just turned and looked at him. Slowly, Jacob seemed to realise his happiness was not wanted. His smile faded and he quickly left the room.

"Suppose I'd better go and ring my mum," said Robyn, getting up and going to her locker.

"There's always next year," said Ben hollowly.

"Doesn't help me now, though, does it?" said Robyn.

"Well, at least you don't spend lunch with the Grinch that Stole Christmas," said Ben. It was customary for him to make a dig at Dylan every now and then. They'd agreed it would stop people from guessing. Usually, it made Ben feel guilty, but today, he just felt sad.

The fact that Dylan had bought him a cheese sandwich and a fizzy drink didn't change what Dylan had said. He hated to think that Dylan might be buying his affection back to avoid having a conversation about it, but he knew that could be exactly what was happening. Dylan, after all, made a habit of avoiding conversations - though not usually conversations with Ben.

Robyn took her phone out of her locker. Ben heard the sound of a text message arriving. He raised his coffee to his lips.

Robyn screamed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Tanith Panic** , I love that Christmas song too. I wish Lofty had been singing it though! The text moment was really good - it was actually only a few scenes, but it was memorable! Thank you for your review.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , yes, this is the saucy text moment! Thank you for your review.

 **LudoJudo** , I would like to bash their heads together! Followed by their mouths. I'm really happy you like my writing of the characters. The suturing scene was in the episode, but I tried to put my own spin on it and I'm so glad it worked! Thank you for your review.

 _I'm very annoyed with myself for making a mistake in the last chapter - Louise mentions Rita and Iain, but no-one knows yet. I've tried to get round it, but I might have done better to change the last chapter!_

* * *

Robyn could barely speak for horror, but she could see Louise was looking at her impatiently so she did her best to choke out something. "Iain!" she managed at last.

Louise checked her watch. "Robyn, are you going to tell me or not? Because there's only ten minutes of my break left and I really wanted to-"

Robyn pulled out her phone, reluctantly reopened the text from Iain and shoved it at Louise. "There. Read that!"

Louise read it. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. She looked at first like she might be sick, but then she started to look slightly turned-on.

"What am I going to do?" wailed Robyn.

"Well, you could always… do what he suggests," said Louise.

"No!" gasped Robyn. "I don't fancy Iain!"

"Oh, come on. He's a good-looking lad!" Louise nudged Robyn. "Looks like you might be getting your Christmas romance after all!"

"I don't want a Christmas romance with Iain!" said Robyn. "This Christmas is all about Dylan." She sighed. "Or it was supposed to be."

"But it's not Christmas yet," said Louise naughtily. "So why not have a bit of fun?"

Robyn almost screamed in frustration – and not the kind of frustration Iain was feeling. "Because I don't want to have fun with Iain! I _thought_ he was being weird with me today. He came up and asked me if me and him were okay. I had no idea what he meant, but I thought maybe he'd shouted at me when he was bringing a patient in and he felt bad about it. But it was obviously a pick-up line!"

"I wish he'd pick me up," said Louise.

"You can have him!" wailed Robyn. "Please, have him! As many times as you like! Anything to stop him sending those… oh my God."

She'd seen someone coming towards her. Someone she definitely didn't want to see.

* * *

Dylan was glad when he reached a point where he could go and have a break. He never used to be that bothered about breaks, though of course that had all changed when he'd had someone to share his breaks with.

Now, once more, he was spending his breaks alone (and he couldn't help thinking that being alone could only be an improvement on his disastrous attempt to buy Ben lunch), but he really felt as though he needed a break. Today was tough and not just because of Ben. He had a difficult case to deal with today, and, as was so often the case at this hospital, there was so much more than physical wounds that needed to be healed.

A man who used to be nice but had suddenly turned horrible. A boy who was confused about it and was asking Dylan for information about him. Dylan had worked out that the man had lost his family in an accident and didn't want to live without them, but that wasn't the kind of thing you could explain to someone who wasn't a relative. Dylan wouldn't usually have let it get to him, but he had and now all he wanted was to tell Ben all about it and ask what he should do.

He went to the staff room and was both relieved and disappointed to find it empty. He sat at the table and rested his head in his hands, trying to focus on his patient's situation but finding his thoughts more often than not drifting to Ben.

He heard footsteps, then Ethan's voice. "Dylan, you haven't seen Cal, have you?"

"I think he went somewhere with Charlie," said Dylan. "Highly inconvenient."

"But he's on shift!" said Ethan. "He is finishing early, but not this early!"

Dylan sighed impatiently. "I would assume they've been called out somewhere. Unless you're suggesting they're _both_ out seeing their girlfriends."

Ethan looked slightly embarrassed. "I don't think Charlie would see his girlfriend during a shift. But Cal's been behaving so oddly lately. I really don't know what to think."

"He's lost his daughter!" said Dylan, more harshly than he'd intended. "Losing someone you care about is difficult. As I thought you'd know, as she was your niece."

To his horror, Ethan's eyes filled with tears. "I do miss her. I miss her every day."

Again, Dylan wished Ben was here. He would know what to do. He would give Ethan a hug (not that Dylan wanted Ben hugging Ethan) and find some well-chosen words to comfort him. Ben always knew what to say.

"Can I… get someone?" said Dylan, as Ethan pressed his hands against the table, his head lowered as he fought back tears. Maybe Ethan would ask for Ben, then Dylan could go and fetch him and he would get to spend a little bit more time with him.

There was so much he wanted to say to Ben, but he couldn't say it here.

Ethan shook his head mutely.

"I didn't mean to…" said Dylan helplessly.

"I know," whispered Ethan. "It's okay."

Dylan placed an awkward hand on Ethan's arm. He wouldn't normally have done it, but in some strange way, he felt on the same wavelength as Ethan. They both missed someone.

Ethan jumped but gave a small smile.

"I'm… sorry," said Dylan. "For what I said. I shouldn't have said it."

Dylan heard a small gasp behind him, then footsteps hurrying away.

"Ben!" shouted Dylan. He hurried to the door, but Ben was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Robyn tried to move away from Iain, but he followed her.

"Please, Robyn. I just want to talk to you."

After reading the text message, Robyn was inclined to doubt that was all he wanted. "I don't think I can even look you in the face anymore!" she said as she arrived at the nurse's station with Iain right behind her.

"Listen: it wasn't meant for you," said Iain.

For some reason, that made Robyn feel even more upset. Not that she wanted Iain, but why couldn't be the kind of girl guys wanted to send texts like that to? "Well, who was it meant for, then?"

"Just… some lass I've been knocking about with," said Iain.

"Well, _that's_ lovely!" said Robyn.

"No, she's nice and that," said Iain quickly. " _Really_ nice. Not just some random bird. But she started these stupid saucy texts."

"Sexts," nodded Robyn.

"Yeah. That," said Iain. "And then you texted me about the Secret Santa… you know the rest."

"If I'm honest, I'm quite relieved," said Robyn, still not looking him in the face.

There was a pause. "Oh, yeah? Why's that then?" said Iain. He sounded slightly offended.

Robyn tried not to smile. "I don't think I'm that supple…"

They heard laughter behind them and turned to see Rita. As soon as Robyn and Iain turned to look at him, she stopped smiling.

Iain gave her an alarmed look and almost ran from the nurse's station.

Robyn stared after him, then turned to Rita, who made a similarly fast exit.

Something clicked in Robyn's mind.

At first, she was horrified. You didn't want to think about your boss… doing that.

Then she began to smile.

She ran off to find Louise. Louise was on her way into a cubicle, but never mind. "Oh my God, Louise! You'll never guess what! Rita and Iain!"

Louise looked unimpressed. "Babe, we _saw_ them together. Last week. On that pub crawl."

"You know I don't remember anything about that pub crawl," said Robyn.

"But I must have mentioned it since then."

Robyn thought. "Yeah, you did mention it actually. But I thought you just meant he liked her."

* * *

Ben knew he was being stupid.

He knew Dylan wasn't interested in Ethan; he knew Dylan would never use Ethan to make Ben jealous; and he was fairly sure Ethan wasn't bi-sexual anyway.

The moment between Dylan and Ethan had been a moment of comfort. Ben had seen the tears in Ethan's eyes. The fact Dylan didn't usually comfort anyone but Ben didn't matter. Everyone made an exception sometimes. Either Dylan had seen that Ethan needed comfort very badly or he particularly empathised with him for some reason.

There was nothing going on and Ben had no reason to be jealous – but he was.

Not because Dylan had comforted Ethan. Because he'd apologised to him. It was quite likely he'd said something pretty bad as Ethan had been nearly crying, but he'd seen he'd really hurt him and tried to sort it out.

Why couldn't Dylan see how much he'd hurt Ben?

"Ben?"

That voice could only belong to one person. The same person that Ben's heart belonged to. "Dylan."

"Ben… listen."

Ben thought about inventing a patient he needed to see urgently, but he didn't want to lie and he couldn't avoid Dylan forever. Slowly, he turned to face him.

"I was just comforting him," said Dylan.

"I know," said Ben. "It's fine. I hope Ethan's okay."

Dylan stared at him. A hint of hurt came into his eyes, but it was gone so quickly, Ben might have imagined it. "I'm not sure he's okay, though he's in a better state than that brother of his, but he's gone back to work."

"Good," said Ben. "I'm glad."

"I think we need to…. have a discussion," said Dylan.

Ben almost smiled at the way Dylan had taken such care to avoid a cliché. "I think you're right, Dylan. I'm sorry I broke your plate. I should have been more careful."

He waited.

"Right, well, that's… good," said Dylan. "Would you like to come back to the boat after your shift?"

Ben stared at him in disbelief. That was it? No apology?

He was tempted to say yes, he had to admit. He loved Dylan's boat. He loved Dylan. And even if they couldn't spend Christmas together, there was always tonight.

He also didn't want to be one of those annoying boyfriends who insisted on an apology for everything. Sometimes it was better to let things go. Apologies could be difficult to make and it wasn't really the words themselves that mattered but the fact the person to apologise showed they were sorry and they'd learned from their mistake.

But Dylan had really hurt him – and Ben had apologised to Dylan.

"I think I'm going to commiserate with Robyn," said Ben shortly.

"If that's what you want," said Dylan.

"Of course that's not what I want!" burst out Ben.

Dylan's voice was soft. "Don't you?"

"No," said Ben.

But then he controlled himself. He wasn't going to beg Dylan to take him back.

"I want to be _celebrating_ with Robyn," said Ben. "You know. Christmas. Not being at work."

Dylan turned away. "Well, it's hardly my fault you can't."


	9. Chapter 9

**Tanith Panic** , I'm afraid they are both silly! They both know each other well, so there's no excuse! I'm sure they'll sort it out before the end of the story. I'm glad you liked Robyn. Thank you for your review.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.

 **LudoJudo** , thank you for your review. They're very different, but they do both have a stubborn side. Dylan wants everything done the right way (which means his way) and Lofty doesn't want to be the one who gives in all the time. I love them!

* * *

Ben arrived in the kitchen to find Robyn slumped at the kitchen table, propping her head up with her hand. "Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

"No!" said Robyn. "I'm working Christmas!"

Ben reached across and squeezed her arm. "I know. Me too."

"I had so many plans for Christmas," said Robyn sadly.

"So did I."

"I just wanted to make it perfect," said Robyn.

Ben squeezed her arm again. He wondered if he should tell her Dylan was single, but that would come as no surprise to her as she thought Dylan was single already.

Also, Ben was almost sure Dylan wouldn't be interested. Dylan had had relationships with women before, but they had always ended in disaster because Dylan was unable to give them what they wanted.

Not that Dylan's relationship with Ben hadn't ended in disaster.

"I heard the most amazing piece of gossip too," said Robyn. "Seriously. The most amazing piece of gossip. But the only person I told was Louise. After the initial excitement had worn off, it didn't seem to matter very much."

Ben looked at her in concern. If Robyn didn't want to gossip, something was badly wrong – and he couldn't help thinking it was a bit more than working Christmas. "Robyn, if this is about Dylan..."

"I don't want to talk about Dylan!" said Robyn, turning her head away. "I've had it with romance. And Christmas."

Ben didn't know what to say.

Their depressed silence was interrupted when Jack ran over them and threw an arm around each of them. "Merry Christmas!" he shouted.

Neither Ben nor Robyn answered.

Ben stared gloomily ahead of him. Robyn hid her face in her hand. Jack took the hint and went away again, but they were soon disturbed for a second time.

"Here," said a voice behind them. They looked up without much interest. Jacob was holding out a coin.

"20p?" said Robyn without enthusiasm. She took it from him. "Are you my secret Santa?"

"Heads I take your shift; tails I take Lofty's," said Jacob. "And yes, I am your Secret Santa."

Robyn stared at him in amazement. She looked down at the coin in her hand, then she looked at Ben. A smile began to form on her face. Possibly the first real smile Ben had seen from her all day.

Jacob was smiling too as Robyn tossed the coin. Ben was glad she was doing it. He was far too clumsy. He was a clumsy idiot. Just like Dylan had told him.

He didn't know why he lifted his hand and moved it towards the coin. All he knew was that the coin was suddenly in his closed fist.

He'd caught it. Clumsy Lofty had caught a coin in mid-air.

He wished that Dylan had seen it.

He opened his hand.

It was tails.

* * *

Robyn walked out of the ED, her hands spread wide. "Merry Christmas, everybody!" she shouted and spun round a couple of times, her arms held aloft.

She got a few funny looks, but she didn't care. She ran to catch up with Louise.

"What's up with you?" said Louise. "Did you just win the lottery?"

"Kind of," said Robyn dreamily. "I won 20p!"

Louise gave her a funny look. "You can't win 20p on the lottery."

"Jacob decided to give his day off to me or Lofty," said Robyn. "He tossed the coin – which Lofty caught by the way: you should have seen it. Though he did drop it straight after that which did ruin the effect a little bit. But anyway, it was heads so I won the toss and I get the day off tomorrow!"

To her surprise, Louise gave her a hug. "I'm happy for you, babe."

"Really?" said Robyn.

"Of course!" said Louise. "I know how much Christmas means to you."

"Yeah, it does," said Robyn. "Even if I don't get to make all Dylan's wishes come true, it is still Christmas."

Louise put her arm through Robyn's. "Want to go to the pub?"

"Wouldn't miss it!" said Robyn.

* * *

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow," said Jacob.

Connie looked up. She was thinking of the mistake; of the life that had nearly been lost and it took her a moment to work out what was wrong with what Jacob had just said. "I thought you were seeing your friends."

"Well…" said Jacob, very matter-of-factly, "turns out I'd rather be here." His eyes locked with hers and his voice increased in intensity. "With you."

Connie stared at her, a suspicion growing in her mind. "Did you know about that this morning?"

Jacob made sounds of denial, but you had to get out of bed very early to fool Connie – and she didn't like it when Jacob got out of bed early.

A smile spread across her face. "You've been playing me all day!"

She kissed him.

She couldn't believe how well everything had turned out. When she'd asked Jacob to swap shifts with Lofty, she hadn't been sure he'd really do it. Jacob Masters usually got whatever he wanted – Connie was proof of that – but there had been doubts in her mind about whether he wanted to spend Christmas with her or not.

Now she knew she did.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs Beauchamp," said Jacob.

"Merry Christmas, Staff Nurse Masters," said Connie.

Jacob held her close and they kissed again. "I did have to tweak the plan just slightly, but I got the important part sorted out."

Connie pulled away from him. "What do you mean, you had to tweak it?"

"I'm Robyn's Secret Santa," said Jacob. "And it occurred to me that I hadn't got her anything."

Connie stared at him in disbelief. "Staff Nurse Masters, are you telling me you gave Nurse Miller the day off instead of Nurse Chiltern?"

Jacob grinned. "Wow, you really must be angry if you're calling us all 'nurse'."

"Yes, I am angry!" said Connie. "What were you thinking? Didn't you hear what Dylan and Lofty were doing in that cupboard?"

"Don't you mean what Dr Keogh and Staff Nurse Chiltern were doing in that cupboard?" teased Jacob.

"Oh, you're impossible!" snapped Connie and walked away, but Jacob followed her. "I can't _believe_ you gave your day off to Robyn."

Jacob looked serious. "Well, technically, I didn't. I told them I was giving my day off to one of them and tossed a coin. Robyn won. So she gets her day off – and you know how much Robyn loves Christmas."

"Don't you know how much Dylan loves Lofty?" hissed Connie.

"Sorry, Sweet-Cheeks," said Jacob, looking annoyingly unrepentant and even more annoyingly sexy. "I suppose I thought our romance was more important to you than Dylan and Lofty's. I didn't think Mrs Beauchamp would ever put another couple's happiness above her own."

Connie glared at him. "Carry on like this, Staff Nurse Masters, and you'll be sleeping in your own bed tonight."

Jacob shrugged. "We can sleep in Charlie's bed for all I care. As long as we're both in it. And Charlie's not."

Connie wanted to hate him. She wanted to hit him. She wanted to… well, to go to bed with him as soon as possible. "If Lofty shows up tomorrow looking heartbroken, there's going to be trouble."

"I can't wait," said Jacob.

* * *

Dylan knew he'd messed up.

It was partly Ben's fault, of course. Some conversations were private and couldn't happen in the middle of the hospital. It would be unprofessional.

He'd broken his own rule when he'd explained about Ethan, but Ben had looked so hurt and upset. Dylan hadn't been able to stop himself from reassuring him, but then he'd regained control.

The discussion could not take place in the hospital and that was the end of the matter.

But it now looked like the discussion was unlikely to take place anywhere else. Ben had made it very clear he'd rather be with Robyn than Dylan.

That realisation hurt so much, it became imperative for Dylan to have some time alone. Unobserved. Away from prying eyes.

He stopped outside the staff room and looked in. It seemed to be empty. Everyone else whose shift had ended had already left. The hospital workers who'd just arrived were already at work.

Dylan went into the staff room and closed his eyes.

"Dylan, are you all right?" asked a diffident voice.

Dylan opened his eyes to see Ethan. "Are you talking to me?"

Ethan took a step backwards. He didn't look likely to dissolve into tears this time, but he seemed very tired. "I'm sorry, Dr Keogh. It's none of my business. I'll leave you in peace."

"Wait," said Dylan, and then wondered what he was saying. "Ethan. You were in a relationship with the girl who worked in the shop, weren't you?"

"Yes, I was," said Ethan. He looked confused.

"Did you have relationship problems?"

Ethan's mouth dropped open, but he was too shy and polite to tell Dylan to mind his own business. "Only at the end," he said at last, a shadow coming into his eyes.

"Did you ever discuss your relationship difficulties at work?"

"Yes, we did," said Ethan. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, though he looked more tired than tearful.

Dylan frowned. "Did you feel work was an appropriate venue for the conversation?"

Ethan put his glasses back on. "Not really," he said. "But sometimes something needs to be said. If there's something I need to know, I'd rather know as soon as possible. Not in the middle of seeing a patient, obviously. But perhaps outside or here in the staff room… when you're waiting for someone to say something and they avoid the subject or just say nothing… it's the worst feeling, Dylan."

"But if someone has a good reason…"

"I suppose sometimes it can't be helped," said Ethan sadly. "But it hurts, Dylan. It really hurts. It feels like Cal's pushing me away and I can't bear it."

Dylan heard the quiver in his voice and considered leaving the room very quickly, but it seemed unkind when Ethan had helped him. "Thank you, Ethan," he said.

"You're welcome," said Ethan, surprised. He paused, but his eyes didn't leave Dylan. "Is this about Lofty?"

Dylan stared at him in disbelief. "Is there anyone in this whole hospital who doesn't know about me and-"

He realised he was shouting and stopped.

"Oh my goodness!" gasped Ethan. "Are you and Lofty a couple?"

"Would it matter if we were?" said Dylan.

Ethan smiled. "Not in the least. I'd be really happy for you."

"Well, we're not," said Dylan. He sighed. "And that's my fault."

"You could always apologise," said Ethan. "That usually works with Lofty. He's very forgiving once you've got the apology out of the way. I'd like to think I am too… but the things Cal does sometimes…"

"Thank you," said Dylan. "I'll follow your advice. Now go home. You're exhausted and I seem to remember you're on shift tomorrow. Go home and speak to Cal."

Ethan nodded and smiled at someone over Dylan's shoulder. "Hey, Lofty," he said.

"How long have you been there?" demanded Dylan.


	10. Chapter 10

_There will probably be one more chapter after this. Thank you to everyone who'd read, reviewed, followed or favourite so far!_

 **txnightalive** , thank you for your review - it's always lovely to have a new reader! I'm so glad you're enjoying this. You might find out the answer to your question in this chapter...

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm so glad you love it! But I think Ethan would look wonderful wearing anything or nothing! Even Connie and Jacob start caring for people other than themselves at Christmas. Thank you for your review.

 **kay Southern (Guest)** , thank you for your review. Again, I'm very happy to have another new reader! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. Here is the update you're waiting for - I really hope it doesn't disappoint you.

 _Thank you to **txnightalive** for the follow._

* * *

"Um, I'm just going to, um…" Ethan brushed past Ben and left the staff room, closing the door behind him.

Dylan spoke again, his words more controlled this time, though Ben could see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed fast and shallowly. "How long have you been there, Ben?"

"Not long," said Ben, hoping Dylan would believe him. "I heard you telling Ethan to go home and speak to Cal. That's all." He moved closer. "If you were talking about me, I got here too late."

Dylan said nothing.

Ben stayed where he was, waiting. The silence went on and on. Ben wondered if he should speak or sit down or something, but he couldn't move. He could only look at Dylan. Into those almost impenetrable eyes that had once shone with love for him, but now showed only uncertainty.

"Ben, there are… certain conversations… I don't like to have in the workplace," said Dylan. "In a cupboard would be okay, but not in the middle of reception or, ideally, even in the staff room."

"I get that." Ben's throat was dry and his words barely audible, but he knew Dylan had heard. Without much hope, he asked: "So… um… do you want to meet me in the cupboard?"

Dylan shook his head. "No."

Ben's head dropped as his hopes shattered.

"Not this time," said Dylan. "As I was saying, some conversations should not take place in the staff room as a general rule. But some conversations are so important, the only thing to do is to ensure that they happen as soon as possible. I should have done it before now. I apologise for that."

Ben smiled, though cautiously. "Apology accepted."

"Good." Dylan looked faintly surprised, but he continued. "What I should have said earlier… what I should have said before work even… or perhaps even before you'd left the boat…" Dylan stopped and sighed with frustration. He came towards Ben and took his hands in his. "Ben, I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you. It was unforgiveable. I was disappointed because I wasn't going to spend Christmas with you. More than disappointed."

"I'm sor-" began Ben, but Dylan cut him off.

"But it wasn't your fault," said Dylan. "I gave you very little notice. It was unreasonable of me to assume you would be able to take the day off and unfair of me to blame you when it turned out to be impossible. I had no right to express my disappointment in the way I did or to call you what I did. It was unnecessary and cruel and completely untrue. I really hope you can forgive me, but if you can't, I understand." Dylan's voice softened. "I'm very sorry for what I said to you, Ben. Extremely sorry. And I love you."

Ben realised he'd been holding his breath. He released it slowly and smiled at Dylan. "I love you too."

"And you accept my apology?"

"More than accept." Ben pulled his hands away from Dylan's so he could hug him. ""And I'm sorry if I went over the top with waiting for you to apologise."

"No, of course you-" Dylan saw the smile on Ben's face and smiled too. "Maybe just a little bit. But if I'd said something earlier-"

"If you'd said something earlier, we wouldn't be here now," said Ben. "And I'm glad we're here."

Dylan smiled. "So am I." He released himself gently from Ben's embrace, went to the door to check no-one was on their way in, and turned back to Ben, a smile on his face. "It's all right. Ethan's on guard. I expect he could delay almost anyone for twenty seconds. And we can do a lot in twenty seconds."

He returned to Ben, holding him tightly in his arms, and stared down into his eyes for a moment or two before kissing him. Ben kissed him back, wrapping his arms tightly around him again.

Dylan was breathless when he resurfaced from the kiss. "That was more than twenty seconds. We'd better stop."

"But only for now," said Ben.

"Only for now," agreed Dylan.

Ben retreated to a slightly more respectable distance. "So, you were telling me about your Christmas traditions?"

Dylan smiled. "I was."

* * *

"Merry Christmas!" shouted Robyn as she and Louise entered the pub.

Louise moved slightly away from her. "You're not going to shout that all night, are you?"

"Yep!" said Robyn happily. "And I'll only get worse when I'm drunk."

"Good thing I'm getting drunk too then," said Louise.

Robyn looked over at the bar. It was hidden behind swarms of people and she could see no-one from the hospital, but she wasn't about to let that stop her. "First round on me, Louise? Seeing as you're working Christmas and I'M NOT!"

"Sounds good to me," said Louise.

Robyn found a space by the door. "Let's wait and see if some of the others show up." She looked around the pub. "Of course, they could be here already. This place is heaving!"

"Just make sure you don't start heaving," said Louise. "I get enough of that at work."

Robyn laughed as she felt in her pocket for a purse. "Don't worry. I can hold my dr… Louise?" Robyn's voice had suddenly got much higher. "Tell me I gave you my purse to look after?"

Louise shook her head. "No. Sorry, babe."

Robyn groaned and ran her hands through her hair. "Tell me I didn't leave it in the hospital."

"Well, I will tell you that if you like," said Louise. "But in my opinion, that' s the best-case-scenario."

Robyn sighed. "I'll be back in a bit."

As she left, she felt Louise's hand on her arm. "I'll get the first round in."

"Are you sure?" said Robyn. "Thanks!"

"As you keep reminding me," said Louise, "it's Christmas!"

* * *

"I thought it was very gallant of you to allow Robyn to win, anyway," said Dylan.

"He was her Secret Santa. Not mine," said Ben. "Besides, I'm quite looking forward to listening to _A Christmas Carol_."

"Yeah. Yeah, me too. I absolutely love it," said Dylan.

Ben smiled lovingly at Dylan. He had heard a lot of euphemisms in his time, but 'come back to my boat and listen to my tape of Charles Dickens' was a new one for him. "Come on," he whispered, and walked into an alleyway.

"An alleyway? I thought you had better morals and more originality than that, Ben Chiltern." But Dylan was following him anyway.

"Oh, I've got plenty of originality," said Ben. "I'll show you later. But right now, I just want to kiss you."

He put his arms around Dylan and stared into his eyes for a moment.

"I really am sorry," said Dylan.

"It's okay," said Ben softly. "It's over now." He smiled. "Unless you're apologising for questioning my morals, of course."

Dylan moved his lips towards Ben's. "No. I think I like your morals."

Ben kissed him, pulling Dylan closer to him and wondering if he should tell him he'd always wanted to drag him into an alley and kiss him.

* * *

Robyn hurried back towards the hospital, cursing herself. All she wanted was to get drunk, enjoy Christmas… and save Dylan for another time. There was always New Year, after all. And Valentine's Day. Plenty of opportunity for Dylan to get his smooch on.

She walked past the alley, glad it wasn't dark, and stopped as she heard a voice she knew.

"What are you doing?"

Robyn looked into the alley. She couldn't see anyone, but the voice was unmistakeably Dylan's.

What would he be doing in the alley? And who would he be talking to?

 _It had better not be some random, that's all I can say_. Robyn didn't want to think of Dylan as being that sort of guy.

It was strange how fond she'd become of Dylan over the past couple of months. He was inconsiderate and rude, but there was something very sweet about him.

Robyn walked into the alley. If Dylan was here with some random, she was really going to give him a piece of her mind.

How could Dylan go having sex with strangers in alleys when his perfect partner was right there in front of him?

Robyn didn't know why it had taken her so long to see it. Of course, her romantic instincts hadn't been too great lately. She'd failed to spot not only Rita and Iain but Connie and Jacob. But now she had seen it, she could hardly miss it.

The look in Dylan's eyes when the object of his affections walked past. The answering look of admiration.

Robyn even had a name for them – Dyfty – and she'd made it her Christmas ambition to get them together. That was why she'd wanted Ben to spend Christmas with her. She hadn't been at all sure how she was going to persuade Dylan to come too, but when Ben had mentioned spending Christmas with Dylan, Robyn had grabbed the opportunity with both hands – as she hoped Dylan would soon grab Ben with both hands.

She was still gutted it hadn't worked out, but it was only a week till New Year.

If she could get this random out of Dylan's life first…


	11. Chapter 11

_I'm sorry the last scene is a bit rubbish. I've been trying to write it for a couple of months. I hope it's not an anti-climax._

 **Tanith Panic** , I made a mistake in the last chapter - Robyn was supposed to hear Dylan in the alley on the way back from finding her purse in the ED. I'll go back and update it after I've posted this chapter if I remember. I'm glad you don't mind 'get his smooch on'. It did seem very Robyn but not at all Dylan! Thank you for your review.

 **Kay southern** , thank you for your review. Robyn really is going to get a surprise - whether it's a nice surprise or not will probably depend on exactly what Lofty and Dylan are doing! I have written two other Dyfty stories - a romance called I've Got Your Number (which might at some point get a sequel) and a friends one-shot called One Tiny Moment.

 _Thank you to **pamelayng** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Robyn marched down the alley and looked in the gaps between the bins.

And then she saw him.

No. Not just him. _Them_.

Robyn stared, unable to believe it. "Oh my God! Why didn't you tell me?"

They both started and then Ben looked at her, his face full of guilt. "Robyn, I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to find out like this."

"Well, neither did I, to be honest," said Robyn. "Hanging around in alleyways, doing God knows what (and just so you know, I don't want to know what)… I thought you two were better than that!"

But she couldn't keep the smile from her face.

She dropped to her knees and hugged both of them. "I'm so happy for you!"

Ben was staring at her in confusion. "You mean… you don't want Dylan!"

"Only for fixing you up with!" said Robyn.

There was a spark almost of amusement in Dylan's eyes. "I appreciate the thought, Robyn, but you're too late. About… how long would you say, Ben? Six months too late?"

"YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR SIX MONTHS?" shouted Robyn.

"Well, we did break up for a little bit," said Ben. To Robyn's delight, he pressed his lips lightly to Dylan's. "And I suppose we kind of broke up last night too. But everything's fine now."

"It was my fault," said Dylan.

Robyn went slightly weak at the knees. Dylan never usually admitted anything was his fault. He must really love Ben a lot if he was saying things like that.

Ben was smiling. "It doesn't matter, Dylan. It's all in the past. It's the Ghost of Christmas Past - and all I care about is my Christmas Present tomorrow and our Christmas Future."

"It's the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come," corrected Dylan.

"I obviously need to listen to that tape," said Ben. He scrambled to his feet, then bent down and offered his hand to Dylan, helping him to stand too.

Robyn nearly died. They were so adorable together. She put her hand into her pocket and felt the coin there. "Lofty, did you ever find out who your Secret Santa was?"

Ben shook his head.

"It's me," said Robyn. She held out the twenty pence piece to Ben. "So here you are."

"You got him a twenty pence piece!" almost shouted Dylan. "I hope you're not implying my boyfriend's cheap."

"Of course not!" said Robyn, though she couldn't help wondering if that was what Jacob thought about her. "Okay, so maybe he did live in a loft so he wouldn't have to pay the rent... but hey, we've all had our skint moments!"

Dylan looked as though he'd never been skint in his life. Robyn couldn't help thinking he probably hadn't.

"Robyn's not implying anything, Dylan," said Ben. "You remember what I told you about the tossing?"

Robyn clapped her hands to her ears. "Okay, I do NOT want to hear this part!"

"The COIN-tossing!" said Ben loudly.

"Oh, right," said Robyn. "Sorry."

"Remind me not to tell you about my Pancake Day traditions," said Dylan.

Ben looked at Dylan in delight. "You like Pancake Day! So do I!"

"Not that we'll get to eat many," Dylan warned him. "For the most part, I toss and Dervla swallows."

"Oh my God!" If Robyn had worn contacts, they'd probably have fallen out.

Ben burst out laughing, hugged Dylan tightly and kissed away his embarrassment when he realised what he'd said.

Robyn wanted to hug them both. "You two are just too adorable!" She held out the coin to Ben. "Please take it."

Ben looked at the coin for a moment and shook his head. "I can't, Robyn. I can't take it. You love Christmas and I want you to enjoy it."

Robyn smiled. "I do love Christmas, but you and Dylan have just given me the best present ever. Besides, if I spend tomorrow at home, it will be just me and the DVD player. If I'm at work, I can have a good moan with Louise and drop hints to Rita that I know about her and Iain."

Ben stared at her. "Rita and Iain? That's who you found out about today?" He thought for a moment. "Now you mention it, I can sort of see it."

Dylan sighed. "I thought everyone knew about that. Even I've known for a week and I don't even care." He looked at Robyn, concern on his face. "Robyn… you won't tell everyone, will you? About Ben and me?"

Robyn opened her mouth to say no, but then she smiled. "If you accept my 20p and stay at home tomorrow, I won't say a word."

 _Except to Louise, of course_.

* * *

Ben was surprised by how much he was enjoying A Christmas Carol. He hadn't been sure at first and it had bothered him slightly that Dylan had chosen to sit on the sofa instead of on his lap, but it hadn't been too bad once he'd got used to it.

He was actually quite disappointed when Dylan leaned over and switched the tape off.

"What are you doing?" said Ben.

"I don't listen to the end," said Dylan. "It's a bit silly."

Ben made a sound of surprise and disbelief.

"When Scrooge becomes a new man; Tiny Tim is all right; yada yada. It's a bit twee."

"You're not ruining this," said Ben. He leaned across and switched the tape recorder back on.

"It's my boat; my rules," said Dylan, and switched it off.

"Come on!" Ben switched it back on again.

Dylan moved to switch it off again, but Ben smacked his hand away.

Dylan looked a bit shocked, but Ben quite enjoyed it.

His skin was on fire as he continued to listen, but part of his attention was on Dylan, waiting for his next move.

 _Come on, Dylan. Next time, I won't just touch you. I'm going to grab your hand and take you into that bedroom and tear off that horrible yellow shirt and…_

"Are you even listening?" said Dylan.

"Of course!" said Ben, and waited for Dylan to switch the tape off.

He didn't.

Clearly, more aggressive tactics were needed.

Lofty got up and walked over to the sofa. There wasn't much space between Dylan and the arm of the chair, but Lofty somehow squidged himself into it. Dylan's arm, which had been resting on a cushion, went around Lofty just enough to play with his hair.

Lofty settled himself comfortably against Dylan, listening to the thumping of his heart and knowing he was part of the reason why it was going so quickly. He reached for Dylan's hand.

The story came to an end. The tape recorder clicked off.

"Twee," said Dylan.

"But happy," said Lofty.

"Are you happy?" asked Dylan, almost as though he didn't care about the answer. It was a sure sign he cared a lot.

"No," said Lofty.

He felt Dylan move uneasily. "No?"

"You're not kissing me and you've still got your clothes on," said Lofty.

Dylan didn't exactly take his time about remedying the first. He allowed Lofty to help with the second. "Now go to the bedroom. We don't want Dervla waking up."

"Who needs a bedroom?" said Lofty.

Dylan held his face close to Lofty's. "My boat; my rules."

They went into the bedroom.

They didn't reappear for quite some time.


End file.
